Hasn't Hit Me Yet

Okay, here’s the plan, because sometimes I need a plan:

Only two episodes of Fullmetal a night at most.

Game of Thrones and Avatar are fair game whenever they’re updated.

An hour of reading a night at least.

A half-hour of Italian a night at least.

And once I start working out, a half-hour every morning at 5:30.

Hmm, dunno what else. I’ve just been getting too lazy to be productive and too hooked on this show to read much, and it’s bothering me, so I figure I should do something about it. Of course, I’ve had this plan in my head for days already, and it hasn’t gotten me very far yet. But now it’s written down, maybe I’ll have better luck.

Oh, I also plan to try and go to sleep earlier every night…clearly I failed today again. Looks like another exhausted, 10-hour work day tomorrow.

Kill me now, please.

Good night.

I’m really frustrated with my body. People are always calling me skinny, saying I have an endlessly fast metabolism, but it’s not really true. My stomach, or my abdomen, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, is actually pretty big…I see it every time I look in a mirror. It is today, more so than normal even. Just sticks out, looks gross and fat. I really need to lose weight. Then build muscles and stuff. I just look disgusting, and I feel disgusting. From my head to my feet, there is very little I wouldn’t change if given the chance.

Seriously. Gut’s too big. Legs are too hairy. Knees too knobby. No muscles on my arms, or my chest, abs, not my legs either. I’ve still got disgusting acne, and it’s disproportionately located on the left side of my face. Oily skin. Hell, even my gums are retreating and it’s fucking painful, every single day.

It’s all just too much. I hate looking in mirrors, but I’m not the kind of person who can just stop looking in mirrors and it’ll make me feel better. I know what I look like, mirror or no mirror, and for the most part, I can’t stand it.

Why can’t I just look normal? I’d settle for just average, I don’t need to be a model or anything crazy like that. I’d be content with normal.

Maybe I should start waking up at 5 instead of 6 and go work out for an hour or something. I don’t even know how, though, and I’m too embarrassed to ask. Maybe I can just wing it. I would do it after work, but I don’t want anyone to know, and there’s at least a chance everyone will be sleeping if I do it at 5. Except, chances are, I’ll get noticed. I hate that kind of attention.

But still, I really need to do something to get into shape.

Most people don’t realize how self-conscious I am about everything, especially when it comes to my body. Even now I’m holding back, since my first instinct is just to write “I hate myself” repeatedly.

Oh fuck it. I’m going to bed.

Shit…I need to not spend any more money, ever. I went shopping today again, and spent a fortune…again. Shit. That’s it, I’m done. Somebody physically slap me across the face if I try to spend more money.

What a horrible feeling. I’m half tempted to just go back and return everything…

Ugh. I truly am an idiot. An idiot of immense proportions.

Just fuck.

I think London would be so very much better if I didn’t have a roommate, particularly the one I’ve got. I’m a solitary creature, really. I don’t do well living with others. And plus, there’s just no privacy at all, no small corner of the world I can escape to and hide all by myself. It just means more acting for me, more suppressing. I just do better on my own. It’s hard to explain why, but that’s the best I’ve got for now.

I’m going to bed. Good night.

So I finally messaged Laura the other day. I’m not sure what I was expecting. I guess, in my head, things would revert back to two years ago, or something like it. But that’s not really going to happen, so, yeah. Oh well, it was worth a shot I guess.

My house is boiling. Especially the top floor, and especially my room. It’s driving me crazy. Typing is making me sweat buckets, that’s how hot it is, and it’s just frustrating. I’ve also been exhausted today, don’t really know why.

Tomorrow I’ll be busy all day, with it being Mother’s Day and all, and then back to work for another week.

I want to escape for a while.

Scratch that. I want something to look forward to. Right now it’s just work, family, nothing, more work. I want to go do things. I want people to go do things with. Concerts are no fun without other people, and that’s just one example. There’s nothing for me, nothing. Everything’s just sad and lonely, every single day.

Count your blessings, folks. You don’t realize how much you’ve got.

With nothing to look forward to, it’s hard to find motivation to do anything at all really. What’s the point in anything? It’s just me, living, breathing, but always just me. Right now I’ve got family to live with, school to go to…but give it a few years and I’ll be living on my own, going to work on my own, coming home to an empty house and spending my time by myself. Empty house, empty me. I sometimes worry about what will happen to me then.

But of course, it is what it is. In elementary school I worried about high school, in high school I worried about university, and in university I’m worrying about the rest of life. I’ve survived this long, I always get through.

Even if I always end up hating where I’m going, and hating where I’ve been. And at the same time I always long to get back to where I’ve been, when I think of certain parts of it. Because if I could go back three or four years, that would buy me another three or four years before I’d have to re-enter the present moment. It’s just a deferral, a way to prolong the inevitability of the future.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a time machine.

If I did, would I use it? Hard to say. Part of me wants to re-write my life, from the very beginning. Another part tells me that would be pointless, like the past twenty years are inevitable. Luckily, this is not a decision I have to make, since it’s all just science fiction.

Hope is a foolish thing for someone like me. Problem is, I always have hope. Sometimes it’s buried so deep in pessimism and everything else I don’t even recognize its existence, but it never fully disappears. Even at the lowest points in my life, I hoped.

Or rather, I dreamed. Hope implies a certain kind of sincerity of belief. Dreaming is more deluded.

And if I am nothing else, I am delusional.

And yet, I am just as equally lucid and aware.

I’ve never made sense, why start now? I’m like the glitch in the Matrix. Life’s conundrum, the mistake it should learn from.

Just a bad day all around really. I should have known this morning, when it got off to a bad start, but then it picked up a bit and I forgot. Oh well, shit happens.

All the fucking time, apparently.

Crash, just crash and burn, why am I even on here?

I wish I had someone I could go on adventures with. We could pick a weekend, or even just a night, and just pick somewhere to go, stay there, somewhere cheap, have an adventure.

Boyfriend or girlfriend, or even just a close friend, y’know? Any one of the above.

Truth be told, I would really love a boyfriend or girlfriend right now. But they’d have to be really right. Someone I’m completely comfortable with, someone that’s not overly normal, someone I can just be me with a hundred percent.

That’s partly where the other two went wrong. I mean, there were lots of reasons, looots, but one was just not feeling totally comfortable.

Also trust. I have major trust issues. But I feel like most (if not all) of that stems from the discomfort, y’know?

Maybe I’m just dreaming…maybe the kind of person, or the kind of relationship, I’m picturing in my head just doesn’t exist for me. I certainly haven’t found it yet.

I don’t really know what to think.

I’m frustrated.

I’m not sure I’ve ever really felt this lonely before.

I really miss my friend Laura. It’s Friday night, I’m bored, it’s nice out, and I was just thinking about how, two summers ago, I might’ve called her up, and we’d have gone driving.

That’s what we did, just went driving. It was great.

This one time, I was at my mom’s, and out of the blue we decided to hang out. It was already 8 or 9 at night, but she made the drive from Brampton, and we just drove around for a while.

I don’t really remember how we became friends. It was only in grade 12. We sat near each other in a class or something. And then all of a sudden we were friends, and I don’t remember how.

She was the most honest person I’ve ever met. If you were being an idiot, she’d tell you. I respected that a lot. Not that I liked being called out on it all the time, but I wouldn’t have wanted her to change it, and I’d hope she still hasn’t.

Anyway, it was short-lived. Friends in grade 12. Hung out part of the summer before university started. Then nothing. Texted or facebooked a couple times first semester. Talked about taking a train to Ottawa for a weekend or something at some point (she goes to Carleton). None of it ever happened. And now, I haven’t had any contact with her at all since texting near Christmas of first year university.

Part of it was Jasmine. They were friends in high school. Sort of. Because by summer, both had told me they actually strongly disliked the other. So, I guess it just sort of happened that we drifted. Laura always disliked my new relationship with Jasmine.

What’s a guy to do?

Jasmine always claimed that Laura liked me, but I knew her better than that. I knew her well enough to see that the ‘signs’ Jasmine pointed to were actually other things. And for the record, I never liked Laura in any way beyond a friend.

But anyway.

So I was just thinking, and wishing I could go out driving with Laura tonight, or any night.

I’ve been debating for a while whether just to send her a facebook message and make an attempt at catching up. Still haven’t decided. After all, I’m pretty sure she dislikes me now. And she’s not the kind of person to hide the fact, if she does.

Man, I miss those drives.

I feel quite stuck, right now.

Everything is so different in my head. A different me in a different life. The same, but different. The better version, the one where not everything is messed up.

Meh, I had more to say, but it’s all the same.

I feel like watching a movie..or something. To be honest, I feel less and less like doing things because they seem so inferior to the things I imagine I’d really like to be doing.

Oh well, what can ya do.

Life would be so much more worthwhile with friends. Think about it. Almost everything anyone does is predicated on the social element.

Little things, big things. The reason I don’t post on Facebook? No one there.

There are so many things I’d like to do even just online…blog, tweet, tumble, lookbook, lots and lots. But there’s no real point, because there’s no audience. And with no audience, it all just seems foolish.

Usually I’m okay, but sometimes it hits me. Friends…to everyone (or anyone) reading this, let me just say, don’t take friends for granted. Not even necessarily the individuals themselves, just having friends in general. Don’t take it for granted.

I’ve also decided that it would be really great to be in a relationship again. Several problems with this though. One, there’s no one to be in a relationship with. Two, I would need it to be perfect, or as close to perfect as possible. I don’t know who the right person is, or even if they exist…I don’t even know what kind of person I would want to be in a relationship with in a perfect world.

It’s not that I’m picky. I’m just different. If I was less like me and more like everyone else, I would have more options.

Unfortunately I don’t.

I also keep thinking about how great it would be to not have to hide certain aspects of myself from family. And then I just realize what I mentioned above…what would be the point in being able to express myself fully when there’s no one to express myself to?

There’s a recurring theme in my thoughts: every single one of them ends with “what’s the point?”

There really is no hiding from loneliness.